Moment of Truth

By Kalyani Candade. This article was specially written for and published in the book Chicken Soup for the Indian Spiritual Soul by Westland

“Stand as a rock; you are indestructible. You are the Self (atman), the God of the universe.” - Swami Vivekananda 

It was in the early years of my newly-discovered career as an outdoor person.  

We were at an outbound programme, at a scenic wilderness site on the banks of the river Cauvery. It was the morning of the second day of the three day leadership programme, the time just right for stretching the team just that bit, getting them to push boundaries, break barriers. The early morning air was crisp and cool as we trekked through the forest to a rocky outcrop a couple of kilometers away. Excitement ran high and the mood was one of anticipation as we prepared for the highlight of the programme: rappeling.  

Rappeling; that brilliant leaf out of the mountaineer’s book, has traditionally been one of the most exciting and effective tools of outbound. Used by climbers to descend steep rock faces, the technique is challenging, both physically and mentally. More so as it requires the climber to step off, walking backwards to the edge of a precipice, into what seems like thin air. This requires guts, faith in the person holding the belay or safety ropes, and, most importantly, the ability to “let go”. For many, the moment of walking off the edge has been life-changing.

Since there are many apprehensions about the whole exercise, we usually give a pep talk and a demonstration. Our boys were busy setting up the belays, so my mountaineering instructor and ex-army- officer husband decided to do the demo rappel. Seeing a great opportunity for some dramatic photographs, I grabbed my trusty Nikon, reached a vantage point just as my husband got ready to step off the edge, and clicked.

There was a dull silence from the camera. It was the good old film variety, and the reel was over. I needed to change the film. No problem, I had another roll handy. But what about the guy hanging over the edge?

“Hey, hold on a mo” I yelled blithely, as if he were walking down the road. “I need to change a reel”. As I shielded my camera from the sun while reloading, I noticed him silhouetted against the skyline at a peculiar angle. “Must be a tad uncomfortable”, I thought, then dismissed the notion. After all, he was an experienced climber, and must have done this hundreds of times. Standing on the edge must be as easy as pie for him.

“Ok, roll!” I yelled when I was ready, and the Major expertly jump-rappeled down the slope as I grabbed pictures. Then it was time for the participants to test their mettle, and the programme took over all else.

In the quiet of the evening, long after the campfire revelry was over and we sat gazing into the embers, my husband turned to me with a strange expression on his face. “Why did you hang me up there on the edge this morning?” he asked. “I needed to change film, I told you”, I replied carelessly, intent on watching the wisps of smoke, not really paying attention. “Why? It must have been a cake-walk for you. You were not afraid, were you?

You must have done this hundreds of times…”

His answer hit me like a bolt between the eyes.

“Of course I’ve done it hundreds of times. But that doesn’t mean there is no fear. Every time I go over the edge, I face the fear. And overcome it. That’s where my training comes in.” My jaw dropped in surprise, and in contrition. “The fear never goes away”, he smiled gently. “We only learn how to get ahead of it.”

I sat in front of the fire a long, long while, thinking about what he had said. And suddenly, I understood the source of his strength.

It was that deep, unshakeable faith that made up the core of his being, a spirituality that gave him a knowledge beyond words. I had seen it on several occasions when things went wrong for us: an unquestioning calm, and an abiding belief that we were being watched over by a greater power.

It was a faith that instilled courage not just in himself, but in those with whom he came into contact. Because in the light of that faith, the spctre of fear became just a threshold to cross over.